i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
