When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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