I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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