i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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