So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
