I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
