matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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