I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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