and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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