happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
tell me about the fingering
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