i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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