Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
