you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm sobbing to NWA
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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