mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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