apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
