Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Everyone says I win the strip club
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
