mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
