Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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