How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
