we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You are a genius and a whore.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
