why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
