I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
