He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
