How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
