ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the raccoons are back...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
