What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
