listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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