I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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