My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
