a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
