Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
