sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
