I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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