the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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