Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
