I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
