i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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