I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
