If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
