your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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