so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
