I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
