So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
