Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
