My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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