i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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