Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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