So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
