1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
