Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
too bad you live with your parents still
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
