Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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