At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
