I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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