They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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