don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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