New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
