Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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