When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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