She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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