Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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