i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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