I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
