trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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