So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We are all done wearing pants today
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
